The Lusanti Chronicles

I respect the attempted politics and world building – so outside of the MASSIVE sexual errors (and the fact there’s almost fuck and all actual sex scenes in the story as yet – but you do seem very much to like blue balling…) so I will attempt to address other issues in the plot more calmly.

First, have you read Machiavelli’s The Prince? (which is a treatise on how to raise one to be successful and not dead – at a time when people generally didn’t give as much of a flying rat’s arse about political behavior) given how you made the king behave; I’d wager not. Given the fact there was at least one time in the story presented wherein player choice to encourage an actual or secreted but still presently engaged REBELLION, I would say not.

= I get that you probably have Daddy Issues, dude. You’re Aussie, it’s pretty common. I’m half Irish; my blood father was an arse as well, we all have them with X gendered parent if not both, to some degree no matter what. However, there are things POLITICALLY that a KING cannot and or WOULD NOT do, to their son. Especially as one of TWO potential heirs (it’s a different thing if there were like 5 to 11 even Bastard brothers waiting in the wings…) and very especially if said son was the one that was BETTER at combat/friends with the military minded. The way you handled that welcome, would just NEVER be done.

= If the king was legitimately paranoid about his son’s rise to power over the one he clearly favors; it would be done in private. Not in public. Even if he was drunk, and by the way his own fucking guards WOULD have stopped him. For the pure POLITICS of the act. Their job is to protect him; even from himself and very much from the son who CAN fight, whom he made an unnecessarily OPEN enemy of. With just that one scene. The POINT of having heirs at all is that No King is Immortal (barring again previously entertained ideas that within the bounds of your own world building – it should be a scaled difficulty and very hard to do, but not impossible to attain) That one action, without allowing the player any avenue to choose a response [Which is galling as fuck to the player by the way, unnecessarily] makes it LOOK like the king thinks he’s bloody immortal. WHILE you’re trying to insinuate that he’s paranoid the MC could usurp him!

There are two ways, as mentioned above the scene should have gone. If you were writing as politically savvy as you should be for the story you want to present:

A) The king is stopped by his guard before the blow can land, gently. Then reminded of the optics of striking his son; who IS better at combat and CAN kick his old and fat arse all over the fucking throne room… [The king can GRUDGE that he has to back down and again, make MC pay in PRIVATE; that’s still the abusive bullshit that I’d argue doesn’t need to be in the story in the first place – you can have the king be a tyranical arse to EVERYONE ELSE and still need to be deposed, without making it that level of absolutely too personal to all and sundry playing] Because he’s concerned in a moment of clarity at that point, that the royal guards posted might genuinely ALLOW that. (Which would again, present that the MC IS a credible threat to be taken seriously) He didn’t GET to be a king by being stupid, is what I’m saying.

B) The PRINCE stops the blow; and either hurts his father’s hand to make the point, or if it’s me writing, the guards will understand they CAN’T attack the prince as they’re just as dead if they do (the queen WOULD have that level of influence, regardless of any self imposed exile) so they’ll RESPECT their combat oriented prince [and more importantly THIS is how you SHOW that the prince CAN hold HIS OWN in combat… since you could have shown it with the three bandits, and went Nope!] because they understand he respects and values them; and stay the fuck out of it.

The MC at player choice can be just self protective, or absolutely vicious. The way I’d go is knee King in the balls, take him by the throat and have him fall with his head against the stone steps > With the threat there being I can bash your stubborn head in right here and kill you myself old man. Have MC state in a tone low enough not to be heard (while in the OBVIOUSLY DOMINANT position) that the ONLY reason he hasn’t actively moved against his father is because he cares about THE PEOPLE. The kingdom, and more importantly their FAMILY’S repute in it. Have MC warn the King, the next time you try to attack me, there won’t be a need to worry for an assassin. You love one of us, and it’s not me… but I’m the one THEY will listen to. Then you have him pointedly nod at the guard captain. Just to have the actual threat sink the fuck in. Drunk or no.

= The thing is, NO KING at any point ever, would send several guards to routinely beat the shit out of their son. Whether or not he was the favored heir or just the spare (Law of Primogen also applies here my friend; if MC is the eldest son, he is the presumptive heir LEGALLY regardless of the King’s desires otherwise – which would ALSO be another way to mark MC the potential threat you want him to seem. If you don’t want to do so openly, and would exemplify the reason the King goes so far to actively discredit him) He would have the boy trained in combat and military tactics, regardless of the MC’s initial wants where he would let his favored son away with not bothering. He would have maybe accepted a few “rough housing” slips that were too aggressive, but he ABSOLUTELY would have punished the ones that did it – politically speaking it’s the only move to be allowed. Doesn’t mean he can’t be hoping the boy breaks, or might end up dead for fucking up in military tactics.

= I’m not saying necessarily don’t abuse the MC > I am saying you’re doing it way too damned obviously. The king would very likely exile him as was about to happen at the end of the current content (though NOT to a place where he would ever be able to CREDIBLY become more of a threat to his crown. There’s a difference between a gamble, and outright stupid) and you can argue that every mission the king sent the MC on was an abject attempt to discredit him for potential to lead/rule. Or kill the MC with “clean hands.” That’s feasible. Having it go tits up every time because the MC succeeded against expectations, also feasible. It might also viably mark him as a credible rising War Hero. It would viably increase the cold war hostility (and it should be a COLD war between father and son; because BOTH are restrained by what they CAN and CANNOT do politically to each other – If you’re smart enough to make a bar for The People’s Support and The Church’s Support, what makes you think that doesn’t go DOUBLE for the king? Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of the French Revolution… Peasants aren’t just there to be ruled over; they’re the backbone to the kingdom. Guards that are not well paid or are actively overlooked for promotions, or again aware that a prince THEY value is getting screwed over WOULD be absolutely inclined to just let a revolt happen. On the OFF chance it might succeed, they’re hands are technically “clean.” And if you’re going to give MC’s Mentor that much weight in the story politically, The Church can in the course of said revolt and under said mentor’s authority, stand with the MC) and still give the MC credibility for active rebellion in a slow burn. Writing this thing the way you have effectively neutered your MC for avenue in choice about reprisal as consequence, AND makes your king actively seem retarded. Because he’s not likely the one who’s going to get involved with entirely unncessary Angel Girl… (I might forgive you Rebecca’s loss if we get to BREED/KEEP Her)

= I CAN see you going this needlessly overblown and openly stupid if you insist on the King being either outwardly coerced to prove himself to Dark Powers; or actively possessed by them (because said powers ARE “immortal” – though it’s still foolish as any demon would be possessing the king for the foothold on the kingdom and such a rash action DOES destabilize/jeoprodize the king’s position and influence – which would also mean potentially months to years more invested work to break in another King for the demon) * Potentially you might want to present that their bloodline guarded something blocking larger demonic infleuence in the greater mortal realm/or conversely empowered the angels’ greater ability to protect the realm from their influence. That would be an inroads to why the demons wanted him; and give the player an eventual means to potentially fight back against said unexpected but real evil threat. In the longrun. It would also explain the king being so blockheaded that he clearly wants to die sooner than he should. It would as well present a reason that it was the MC’s bloodline to have become royal; perhaps with some secret magic or a genetic affinity/resistence to influence or magic that skipped the king but redoubled in the MC or something.

= The Fell. First, the Grandmaster shouldn’t seem to be able to use a magic sort that you haven’t openly discussed as even possible (why the hell can she just teleport? * and I would argue “sex” magic doesn’t need to be a school at all… It can be a consent issue you don’t really need to deal with) You could better explain that her skill is either actual hard trained skill with a unique genetic twist (as a prodigy) OR she was the first trained in her way, then actively sought to make skille practical application use of invested in enchanted items – which she either lucked into or paid heavily to gain. Perhaps over a few harder scrapes in barely completed missions [She became and assassin to survive and is survival focused first, which would give you the in to make her question whether it suits her survival more to complete, or void the contract on MC] Either goes farther to making her more credibly bad ass for her own merit, than just because you say she is. {Also – fucking/breeding the grandmaster should really rather invalidate the contract in the first place… Just saying; so she COULD have accepted it to test whether it was viable to complete, and in course of meeting the MC will decide to follow/protect him instead = Most people aren’t going to want to try to FUCK someone that’s actively going to try and KILL them >.< }

** You COULD make her the impled BDSM option if she DOES try to complete the contract (by player choices in lost or gained affinity) wherein a “wrong” choice will lead to eventual attempt to complete said contract; but the MC will win instead [By whatever tactics you want to use] and bind her life as his to own. Hence her survival becomes HIS domain entirely; and she becomes his slave. Sexually or just indentured would be at player discretion. I’d suggest the same could apply to Carnifax, but it would be harder to pull off with the way you’ve written her. Unless you want to state the MC is MUCH more skilled at Combat than you’ve shown him AND actively protected by a stronger God than hers… (who might at the end be seeking to mate him as her Divine Ascended Consort? What. I said harder – not impossible: You have already implied something of the sort with Fairy Girl. There is a precedent)

= The Fell Fangirl; as mentioned above, magic RESISTENCE is just resistence. You did not mention it being 100%. Magic nullification, or absorption is another concept entirely, and would better cement the pointless ex girfriend’s reason not to attack with magic. [I have two blades to your throat… her answer; ever heard of an electric eel? Guess what metal conducts… and since it’s my magic, it won’t hurt me; or those I don’t want it to] * This could be where we get the clue that the fell’s current meteoric success has more to do with enchanted items and skill at applications that are useful. It’s just better grounding that BUILDS into the story viably. Preventing potential Mary Sue characters that don’t need to be. (They can still be powerful and or highly skilled, but showing how and why they are is important to ground your audience in your world)

As I said in the previous comment, the story has potential. It is at least interesting enough in the ways it might unfold. The implementation, needs a bit of consideration. It’s by no means bad, but it’s a little rougher and a lot more blunt than it really needs to be for this sort of setting.