Doing Thing’s My Way

Dev, I’m wondering if you realize that with “mind control” powers – if you want a character to do something to which they would, or would not in fact already be inclined; you have to actually STATE DIRECTLY what the hell your MC wants them to do!

“Satisfy” me (aside from it being entirely in the open and fuck knows if anyone that knows her and her general character is actually watching – so that would also be a problem, on TOP of the you just signified he’s aware he’s probably being watched by someone with powers as well… and Jesus I’m not even going to go there, yet – could essentially mean anything from bend over the table and let me BREED you, to get me a fucking cup of coffee. She doesn’t know this guy anywhere near enough to even GUESS at what the hell that means. You’re assuming that your audience will mean it sexually = the human mind DOES NOT work that way. Even if she was inclined naturally to take the meaning in a sexual vein (and as a woman that’s not likely going to be the thing that pops up first by any means) it could also be any number of sexual acts that don’t include actual interaction with him. For fuck sakes.

That’s aside from you’ve created a literal retard who has to at 18 year old be told what a porn mag is; goes into a convenience store and asks for a BJ from some twit he doesn’t even know is taken or interested or not. Introduced a character that admits to BEING taken… for no reason. A stripper, a doormat landlord, and literally the person that was EXPERIMENTING ON HIM. Whom if she ever recalls that point at all, he’s very likely screwed from the get go. You really should’ve approached the story a bit more logically.

Start small. Assume that this guy at least would’ve HEARD things. Had a fucking imagination (captain I have mental powers but can’t consider what it might be like to be FUCKING someone at all. At 18! That’s some special level BEYOND retard) Maybe DON’T introduce ANY opposition three seconds into the goddamned game. If you want anyone to believe this thing is going to last more than one half freaking season. And while we’re at it, the end goal needs to be Throne girl bent over – BRED on; and so is every other girl in game. The MC DOES NOT get to lose. You made this a Harem game. So there is no game over, and it shouldn’t even be close. I don’t care what bullshit powers you want to give the magic girls to make them SEEM “powerful,” they DO NOT get to be stronger than the MC. Not in a HAREM game. There is no fail state in a harem game. It would be fine if you made this an RPG and gave him stats and had the option to TRAIN the power or stats, and some players might rush the story. Then that’s just natural consequence. Fail states when you DON’T put those options anywhere is just bullshit. However, right now, given you can’t even be clear in his commands (with a mind control power, which is literally the whole damned point of said power in the first place) I don’t have a lot of hope that this will end well at all. If you can’t write a DOMINANT MC, you really shouldn’t be writing a Harem Lead. Or cast.